To my Firstborn

Dearest Braxton,

In just a few weeks, you will no longer be an only child. It’s sure to be a transition for you, your father and I, so I can’t help but worry a bit. You’ve been the center of our world for the past 3+ years, and you’ll soon have to share mommy and daddy’s attention with your new baby brother. Before that comes, however; I want you to know a few things that I pray will make this transition easier on us all:

We love you more than you’ll ever truly be able to comprehend. We three have a special bond, but the bond you and I share specifically is something I can’t even begin to describe. You dealt with all of my first-time mom nervous tears, frustrations, mistakes and fumblings, yet you opened your heart to a love only mothers could truly understand.

You’re so incredibly special and important to your daddy and I. I want you to understand that just because you will no longer be our only child, it does not mean that you and your needs are any less important to your father and I. You may have to wait a minute longer so I can care for your baby brother, but I pray you understand that it does not mean you come second to him. You’re a lot bigger and know how to do much more than your baby brother who will be pretty dependent on your daddy and I for a while.

I pray that you understand and tolerate me when I’m tired and cranky. I may lose my patience sometimes, but having a newborn requires a lot of work from mommy as well as daddy. I apologize ahead of time for my crankiness, and please understand that it is no way your fault that I’m the way I am during certain moments. If I snap at you or lose my patience with you, know that I’m sorry and don’t take it personally. I just need some sleep, a bubble bath, a massage and a good glass of wine.

Your daddy and I are so excited to watch you become a big brother. Don’t get me wrong, I’m extremely nervous about being a momma to two boys, I’m even more excited to see you and your baby brother become the best of friendsYou truly are the sweetest little boy, and there is no doubt in my mind that you will love and protect your little brother with all that you are. You undoubtedly will teach him how to be rebellious, fearless and a bit of a trouble-maker, but we’re ok with that just as long as you love him.

Although this transition is sure to be scary for all three of us, I can’t wait to witness firsthand the amount of happiness your baby brother will bring to us all. Until he arrives, you better believe we will make the most of the time we have left as a family of three. You’re forever my miracle baby, and I loved you first.

 

Love always, your momma

 

 

Pregnancy after Loss: Today, I am pregnant, and I have to believe that tomorrow I will be too.

Less than two months after writing about the pain, loneliness and frustration of miscarriage and infertility, I found myself staring at two pink lines. Both lines were dark, and there was no denying that the test was accurately telling me that I was pregnant.

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If we’re being honest here, I haven’t been able to enjoy this pregnancy like I was able to with my first child. I have been terrified, and I have lived in a constant state of fear since our miscarriage. We conceived just two weeks following our miscarriage, but we didn’t even know it until two months later when I started experiencing pregnancy symptoms. Since then, I have been terrified of something going wrong. If my little one isn’t active for a while, I immediately think the worse. I might even grab my home doppler and check for the heart beat myself to give myself a momentary piece of mind. If I experience a sharp pain, I freak out. If there is even the smallest amount of blood evident, I immediately think I’m miscarrying. I can’t help it. I’ve programmed myself to think the worst. It wasn’t an intentional thing, but my husband and I spent 5+ years trying to conceive. We spent thousands of dollars on treatment only to experience a failed IVF and suffering a miscarriage. On top of all of the shots, medications, doctor’s appointments and blood work, it was enough to break us.

 
There truly is no safe moment. I yearned for the nausea, the aches and pains because without those things, I’d question if our baby was thriving. There is no reassurance that our baby’s heart was still beating or even if it’s beating enough to be a viable pregnancy. I questioned, and still question, everything. My Google search history depicts a very insecure and worrisome mom-to-be who clearly isn’t able to enjoy pregnancy. Sadly, I’m too busy looking for things to go wrong that I have selfishly stolen the joy that should be associated with this miracle pregnancy.

 
That is infertility.

 
For those who have experience infertility and child loss, it becomes nearly impossible to enjoy your pregnancy. Furthermore, if you’re pregnant with your second child and experienced a miscarriage, loss or infertility in between your pregnancies, it doesn’t make the experience any less painful.

 
I am 26.5 weeks along, and I still live in fear. I have to assume that this pregnancy will end on a positive note.

 
Today, I am pregnant, and I have to believe that tomorrow I will be too.

baby 2

Baby Boy Jones #2

This past Monday, Jason and I found out we would be welcoming another little boy into our family. As soon as the ultrasound tech place the doppler on my stomach, I saw that it was a boy. The crazy thing is that I wasn’t super disappointed. Sure, it would have been cool to have a girl, but having a boy would be easier. I know how to handle a boy. We have tons and tons of boy clothes and plenty of trucks, ninja turtles and nerf guns to share between the boys.

We let Braxton announce the gender Monday evening in front of some family. We purchased silly string and let him spray the color string into the air to share with our family if baby # 2 was a boy or girl. It was fun!

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We have decided to name our second son, Beckett Levi. We will now have two BLJ’s (Braxton Leland and Beckett Levi) which we didn’t really intend on doing, but we think it’s kind of cool how it worked out.

Thursday night, I started going through tubs of baby clothes and organized out Newborn-6 months clothes. Jason washed them and today I have already organized and folded them into groups. We have started putting together the nursery and decorating which has been fun!

Braxton is really excited about having a brother as are we, and we cannot wait until September to welcome our other rambunctious, wild, fearless little boy into the world! What a journey it has been!

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