Less than two months after writing about the pain, loneliness and frustration of miscarriage and infertility, I found myself staring at two pink lines. Both lines were dark, and there was no denying that the test was accurately telling me that I was pregnant.
If we’re being honest here, I haven’t been able to enjoy this pregnancy like I was able to with my first child. I have been terrified, and I have lived in a constant state of fear since our miscarriage. We conceived just two weeks following our miscarriage, but we didn’t even know it until two months later when I started experiencing pregnancy symptoms. Since then, I have been terrified of something going wrong. If my little one isn’t active for a while, I immediately think the worse. I might even grab my home doppler and check for the heart beat myself to give myself a momentary piece of mind. If I experience a sharp pain, I freak out. If there is even the smallest amount of blood evident, I immediately think I’m miscarrying. I can’t help it. I’ve programmed myself to think the worst. It wasn’t an intentional thing, but my husband and I spent 5+ years trying to conceive. We spent thousands of dollars on treatment only to experience a failed IVF and suffering a miscarriage. On top of all of the shots, medications, doctor’s appointments and blood work, it was enough to break us.
There truly is no safe moment. I yearned for the nausea, the aches and pains because without those things, I’d question if our baby was thriving. There is no reassurance that our baby’s heart was still beating or even if it’s beating enough to be a viable pregnancy. I questioned, and still question, everything. My Google search history depicts a very insecure and worrisome mom-to-be who clearly isn’t able to enjoy pregnancy. Sadly, I’m too busy looking for things to go wrong that I have selfishly stolen the joy that should be associated with this miracle pregnancy.
That is infertility.
For those who have experience infertility and child loss, it becomes nearly impossible to enjoy your pregnancy. Furthermore, if you’re pregnant with your second child and experienced a miscarriage, loss or infertility in between your pregnancies, it doesn’t make the experience any less painful.
I am 26.5 weeks along, and I still live in fear. I have to assume that this pregnancy will end on a positive note.
Today, I am pregnant, and I have to believe that tomorrow I will be too.