Pregnancy after Loss: Today, I am pregnant, and I have to believe that tomorrow I will be too.

Less than two months after writing about the pain, loneliness and frustration of miscarriage and infertility, I found myself staring at two pink lines. Both lines were dark, and there was no denying that the test was accurately telling me that I was pregnant.

**

If we’re being honest here, I haven’t been able to enjoy this pregnancy like I was able to with my first child. I have been terrified, and I have lived in a constant state of fear since our miscarriage. We conceived just two weeks following our miscarriage, but we didn’t even know it until two months later when I started experiencing pregnancy symptoms. Since then, I have been terrified of something going wrong. If my little one isn’t active for a while, I immediately think the worse. I might even grab my home doppler and check for the heart beat myself to give myself a momentary piece of mind. If I experience a sharp pain, I freak out. If there is even the smallest amount of blood evident, I immediately think I’m miscarrying. I can’t help it. I’ve programmed myself to think the worst. It wasn’t an intentional thing, but my husband and I spent 5+ years trying to conceive. We spent thousands of dollars on treatment only to experience a failed IVF and suffering a miscarriage. On top of all of the shots, medications, doctor’s appointments and blood work, it was enough to break us.

 
There truly is no safe moment. I yearned for the nausea, the aches and pains because without those things, I’d question if our baby was thriving. There is no reassurance that our baby’s heart was still beating or even if it’s beating enough to be a viable pregnancy. I questioned, and still question, everything. My Google search history depicts a very insecure and worrisome mom-to-be who clearly isn’t able to enjoy pregnancy. Sadly, I’m too busy looking for things to go wrong that I have selfishly stolen the joy that should be associated with this miracle pregnancy.

 
That is infertility.

 
For those who have experience infertility and child loss, it becomes nearly impossible to enjoy your pregnancy. Furthermore, if you’re pregnant with your second child and experienced a miscarriage, loss or infertility in between your pregnancies, it doesn’t make the experience any less painful.

 
I am 26.5 weeks along, and I still live in fear. I have to assume that this pregnancy will end on a positive note.

 
Today, I am pregnant, and I have to believe that tomorrow I will be too.

baby 2

Baby Boy Jones #2

This past Monday, Jason and I found out we would be welcoming another little boy into our family. As soon as the ultrasound tech place the doppler on my stomach, I saw that it was a boy. The crazy thing is that I wasn’t super disappointed. Sure, it would have been cool to have a girl, but having a boy would be easier. I know how to handle a boy. We have tons and tons of boy clothes and plenty of trucks, ninja turtles and nerf guns to share between the boys.

We let Braxton announce the gender Monday evening in front of some family. We purchased silly string and let him spray the color string into the air to share with our family if baby # 2 was a boy or girl. It was fun!

IMG_3688.jpg

We have decided to name our second son, Beckett Levi. We will now have two BLJ’s (Braxton Leland and Beckett Levi) which we didn’t really intend on doing, but we think it’s kind of cool how it worked out.

Thursday night, I started going through tubs of baby clothes and organized out Newborn-6 months clothes. Jason washed them and today I have already organized and folded them into groups. We have started putting together the nursery and decorating which has been fun!

Braxton is really excited about having a brother as are we, and we cannot wait until September to welcome our other rambunctious, wild, fearless little boy into the world! What a journey it has been!

IMG_3696.jpg

20 Things About Me

For those new to following my blog “When Infertility Happens”, I wanted to share a few things about me that you might not know. Feel free to reach out with any questions!

  1. My husband and I have been married for nearly 6 years (May 20, 2011). We’ve been together almost 9 (July 2017).
  2. We have been struggling with infertility for 5+ years
  3. We have a three year old son who we naturally conceived after 2 years of treatment and trying to conceive
  4. We had a failed IVF procedure in July of 2016
  5. We suffered a miscarriage in November of 2016 after FET
  6. We are pregnant with our second child who we natually conceived in December 2016 after our miscarriage. Due Sept. 3rd 2017!
  7. I’m a small business owner (Buzz Mitten Media), and I have another blog: Coffee, Chaos and Giggles that discusses more than just infertility
  8. I love sports. I root for the MSU Spartans, Detroit Tigers, Detroit Lions and Detroit Red Wings.
  9. I played Ice Hockey
  10. I am a self-published author. A Night of Magic and When Infertility Happens: 31 Days of Prayer and Workbook-both available on Amazon
  11. I live in Michigan
  12. I have a major sweet tooth
  13. I have two sisters, one older and one is my twin
  14. I graduated from Western Michigan University with a Bachelor’s in Sales and Business Marketing in 2010. I received my MBA in 2012.
  15. I journal, religiously.
  16. I love to cook
  17. I am a coffee addict
  18. I love participating in races (mostly 5k’s & 10k’s, ran ONE 1/2 marathon in 2 hours, 1 minute)
  19. I love doing arts and crafts with my son
  20. I have two pit mixes, Reagan and Carter