Despite having a miscarriage last month, I still have so much to be thankful for this Christmas. Unlike those struggling with infertility who don’t already have a child, I am so fortunate to have our miracle. As those struggling to have children struggle through the holidays, brokenhearted, I am thankful for the messes, the terrible 2’s and my son’s sassy attitude.
I am still brokenhearted from our miscarriage, and I’d be lying if I said that seeing all of the pregnancy and baby announcements didn’t make my heart hurt, but I am reminded to be thankful for what I do have, not what I don’t have.
I’ve taken the past few weeks to really think about this infertility journey and how it’s transformed myself, my husband, our marriage, my health and our finances. This journey has tested me on an individual level in ways I’ll never truly grasp. It’s transformed the very trajectory of my and my husband’s life, our marriage together and our parenting. It’s redefined our marriage in good ways and bad. I still step on that treadmill and try to run, but the pain I still experience from the shots resonate deep within the tissue. I still cry out when my husband playfully smacks my behind. My body is still trying to normalize, and the new medication I’m on has weird side-effects. We’ve spent a lot of money on treatment the past 6 months, and it’s a difficult pill to swallow when you have nothing to show for it.
2016 has by far been the roughest year for myself, personally. My body has gone through hell, I’ve shed tears after tears, and I’ve learned that I can’t control or fix every situation or problem. I’ve learned that I can’t be in control at all times, but that HE can. I’ve learned that I’m a lot stronger than I thought I was. I’m resilient, and I’ll never give up. I’ve learned who my real friends are, and I’ve realize the ones who aren’t (and that’s ok).
Despite everything, I still have my faith. I still have my marriage. I still have my son.
My hopes for 2017 is that our infertility can be pin-pointed once and for all, corrected, and that we may be blessed with another child, or two. I pray that this treacherous journey does more good than it does bad. I pray that everyone who is struggling with infertility know that they are not alone. There are so many others struggling and praying for their miracle. I hope that they all know how strong they are. I hope they know how courageous they are and how much they’re admired for their unbelievable faith in something larger than themselves. Most importantly, I hope they know how loved they are.
I’m praying that 2017 is the year of babies!