Christmas Blessings and New Years Hopes

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Despite having a miscarriage last month, I still have so much to be thankful for this Christmas. Unlike those struggling with infertility who don’t already have a child, I am so fortunate to have our miracle. As those struggling to have children struggle through the holidays, brokenhearted, I am thankful for the messes, the terrible 2’s and my son’s sassy attitude.

I am still brokenhearted from our miscarriage, and I’d be lying if I said that seeing all of the pregnancy and baby announcements didn’t make my heart hurt, but I am reminded to be thankful for what I do have, not what I don’t have.

I’ve taken the past few weeks to really think about this infertility journey and how it’s transformed myself, my husband, our marriage, my health and our finances. This journey has tested me on an individual level in ways I’ll never truly grasp. It’s transformed the very trajectory of my and my husband’s life, our marriage together and our parenting. It’s redefined our marriage in good ways and bad. I still step on that treadmill and try to run, but the pain I still experience from the shots resonate deep within the tissue. I still cry out when my husband playfully smacks my behind. My body is still trying to normalize, and the new medication I’m on has weird side-effects. We’ve spent a lot of money on treatment the past 6 months, and it’s a difficult pill to swallow when you have nothing to show for it.

2016 has by far been the roughest year for myself, personally. My body has gone through hell, I’ve shed tears after tears, and I’ve learned that I can’t control or fix every situation or problem. I’ve learned that I can’t be in control at all times, but that HE can. I’ve learned that I’m a lot stronger than I thought I was. I’m resilient, and I’ll never give up. I’ve learned who my real friends are, and I’ve realize the ones who aren’t (and that’s ok).

Despite everything, I still have my faith. I still have my marriage. I still have my son.

My hopes for 2017 is that our infertility can be pin-pointed once and for all, corrected, and that we may be blessed with another child, or two. I pray that this treacherous journey does more good than it does bad. I pray that everyone who is struggling with infertility know that they are not alone. There are so many others struggling and praying for their miracle. I hope that they all know how strong they are. I hope they know how courageous they are and how much they’re admired for their unbelievable faith in something larger than themselves. Most importantly, I hope they know how loved they are.

I’m praying that 2017 is the year of babies!

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Doctor’s Appointment Following Miscarriage: Aggressive Antibodies?

Tuesday morning, I sat in the waiting room silently trying to figure out how I got there. I had been deep in thought during the 10 minute drive to the doctor’s office and didn’t remember my drive. I was about to hear the doctor’s theory on why my body miscarried our pregnancy, and I was blinking through tears as the thought of our recent miscarriage took over my emotions. Thank goodness I hadn’t applied my mascara yet.

I waited 25 grueling minutes, alone with my thoughts, to speak with the doctor. I must say that I left more confused than ever following our 30 minute conversation. .

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The doctor theorizes that there might be some antibodies that are attacking the embryos. These antibodies can be a result of an issue with my thyroid or a result of another hormonal imbalance due to our previous pregnancy that may have inadvertently created antibodies. Either way, there is a chance that my own body is attacking our embryos, what the crap?! My thyroid had been tested previously, and everything looked fine, but I was told that pregnancy can change your body over time. My thyroid hasn’t been tested since we had our son back in 2014. They also want to look into other ailments that could be creating antibodies that would be capable of attacking the embryos. On top of that, they plan on switching up some of our medications.

Furthermore, our doctor wants to conduct an Endometrial Scratch Biopsy.

According to CreateHealth.org, “The process of endometrial scratching as it relates to embryo implantation is not entirely understood and some questions still remain unanswered. Scientists involved in studies believe that there may be two reasons for the increased implantation rates:

  • Increase of endometrial white blood cells.  It appears that endometrial injury increases the production of white blood cells which secrete so called growth factors which in turn control embryo implantation.
  • Gene switching within the endometrium. Scientists speculate that sometimes embryos fail to implant due to genetic switching related to endometrial receptivity. That is, genes responsible for implantation of embryos are not switched on during the time when embryos are supposed to implant. Endometrial scratching may increase expression of genes (switching of genes) thought to be responsible for preparation of endometrium for implantation.”

For now, these are merely theories and suggestions, but the blood work will be the first determining factor in our continued journey from here on out. Depending on the results of our tests, we will then prioritize next steps in our fertility journey.

It’s still hard to believe that we were pregnant,but now we are back to square one. This battle has been one of the most emotionally and physically draining journey’s I’ve ever been a part of. The amount of money we have spent over the last 5 years makes me want to throw-up. I  continue praying as we  try to figure out how we will be able to afford additional fertility. For now, I’ll apply to every available grant and pray that we can get some kind of financial assistant.

If you’re feeling generous and want to pitch in for continued treatment, you can do so on our GoFundMe account. Please don’t feel like you have too, we will settle for lots of prayers also!

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Action items for me:: try not to get upset with every new pregnancy announcement, try to stay positive, love on this sweet boy (included picture of my son, Braxton) and continue praying for a miracle while holding onto my faith.