I have always been brutally honest with you all since we started our infertility journey. Today is no different. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have an emotional breakdown today. I called my mom and my husband to help talk me off of the ledge. I wanted to give up today. I wanted to throw in the towel. I was ready to stop giving myself shots. I didn’t want to take one more pill. I wanted to stop having to think about infertility for just one day. I’m not sure why today was any different from any of the other days over the past 5 years, but for some reason my heart was too heavy for me to silently handle, and the tears fell.
I’ve shared my thoughts with you all that I feel that God gave us this journey to share in order to help others. This quote brings it all home for me.
“For this gospel I was appointed a herald, apostle, and teacher, and that is why I suffer these things. But I am not ashamed, because I know the One I have believed in and am persuaded that He is able to guard what has been entrusted to me until that day” -2 Timothy 1:11-12
This morning I had an ultrasound to check the lining of my uterus to see if my body had been responding to the medication these past couple of weeks. My doctor was looking for the lining to be between 7 and 8mms, but mine was 9.1mm, which is good. That said, our FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer) is scheduled for Wednesday, November 2nd.
After the ultrasound, IVF coordinator and I met in her office to discuss next steps. We went over which medications I’d be starting over the next few weeks along with dosage. The progesterone shot is the one I’m dreading. The needle is long and the location in which it has to be injected is painful. I seriously get sick to my stomach thinking about all of the medications going into my body. I do it in good conscience that it’ll all paid off!
The day leading up to our procedure, our doctors will thaw 3 embryos and ready them for transfer. Following out IVF procedure in July, they froze 9 viable embryos for us to use at a later date. One of the things I had to consider today was that in order to get 3 great embryos, they might have to thaw more than 3. In summary, if the 3 initial embryos don’t survive the thawing process, they’ll continue thawing until they have them, which means all of our embryos could be gone following this procedure. That said, in the future if we decide to try again, we’d have to do IVF again because they’ll need to retrieve new eggs to fertilize. Their thaw success rate is around 80% so that’s comforting at least.
The thought of having to potentially do that again gives me chills. I pray to God that our FET is successful, because I’m not sure I–or Jason–could go through that again.
As I previously mentioned, we are thawing and we plan on transferring 3 viable embryos which means–YEP, you were thinking it–we could have triplets (or more) if all hold. I’ve prayed about this a lot. How many should we transfer? What if they all hold? Could we handle 3, potentially more, children to add to our family? At the end of the day, I’m asking for the miracle to be a mother again. I think I can speak for both Jason and myself that we just want to be a parent again. If it’s to only 1 child, 3 or more, we’ve prepared ourselves for that.
As the last few days wind down leading up to our FET, I can’t help but be a bit emotional about it. I’m scared. I’m worried. I’m excited. I’m nervous. More importantly, I’m keeping my faith that God will bring us through this with an amazing miracle or two. Jason and I have discussed next steps after this, and although I’ll keep that private for now, I’m going to hold onto and cherish these next few days and weeks as they are sure to be life-changing one way or another.
Please pray for our family. Pray for calmness before the storm…and after. Pray for peace. Pray for unwavering Faith. Pray for comfort and understanding. Pray for our little boy as he doesn’t understand why I have to give myself so many shots or take so many pills throughout the day. He asks a lot of questions, so pray that I have the right words to answer his questions. Pray for a successful FET and a positive pregnancy test in the coming weeks.
Until next time,
“I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.” -2 Timothy 4:7