Our Infertility Journey Update: FET

I have always been brutally honest with you all since we started our infertility journey. Today is no different. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have an emotional breakdown today. I called my mom and my husband to help talk me off of the ledge. I wanted to give up today. I wanted to throw in the towel. I was ready to stop giving myself shots. I didn’t want to take one more pill. I wanted to stop having to think about infertility for just one day. I’m not sure why today was any different from any of the other days over the past 5 years, but for some reason my heart was too heavy for me to silently handle, and the tears fell.

I’ve shared my thoughts with you all that I feel that God gave us this journey to share in order to help others. This quote brings it all home for me.

“For this gospel I was appointed a herald, apostle, and teacher, and that is why I suffer these things. But I am not ashamed, because I know the One I have believed in and am persuaded that He is able to guard what has been entrusted to me until that day” -2 Timothy 1:11-12

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Continue reading “Our Infertility Journey Update: FET”

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Raw Honesty

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A week ago, today, we started our next round of fertility treatment. After our failed IVF, our next steps led us to Frozen Embryo transfer since we had 9 embryos frozen following the previous procedure, and although this round won’t be as invasive or involved, it’s already taken a toll on my body, my moods and my emotional well-bring.

For the first few weeks, the only fertility treatment we are doing is one shot of lupron in my belly every night between 6pm-8pm. So far the side effects of this shot have been pretty debilitating.Unfortunately, I’ll continue this shot for quite some time. If you’re not sure what Lupron is, I’ve include the definition below:

“Lupron (leuprolide) overstimulates the body’s own production of certain hormones, which causes that production to shut down temporarily. Leuprolide reduces the amount of testosterone in men or estrogen in women.” –Drugs.com

I’d be lying if I said that this round was easier. I’d be lying if I said that one shot isn’t bothering me. I’d be lying if I told you my body is handing the medication just fine. In all actuality, I’m struggling with this round of treatment more than I expected I would.

My stomach hasn’t quite healed since our last round of fertility treatment. Trying to get a needle into my stomach is challenging and painful. I wish I could say that my rock-hard abs were to blame, but it’s not. I feel like I just push and push on the needle until it finally slides in. The bruising is already back. I literally dread having to give myself shots. Dread it. 

Every part of me aches. I have random sharp pains in my abdomen, and I just overall feel really yucky. One of the main side affects of Lupron is the headaches. I’ve had a headache nearly every single day. I’m not talking little headaches that go away after a while, I’m talking borderline migraines, wanna-throw up and close my eyes kind of headaches.

All of the weight I lost from initially quitting sugar is back. I’m bloated and just feel larger than life-and not in a good way. It’s a bit depressing when I’m eating healthy and working out, yet I stop losing weight and start gaining. And no….it’s not muscle mass that I’m gaining. I’d be OK with that.

I’ve been really short-tempered. I’m losing my temper easier and quicker. Everything seems to be bothering me to some extent. Most of the time the situation that upset me is something silly and shouldn’t have resulted in my getting angry in the first place. I’m snapping more at my husband, our son and our dogs, and I hate it. I usually apologize as soon as I snap, because even I know that they deserve better. I wasn’t this hormonal when I was pregnant! 

Emotionally, I’m just feeling blah. I’m indifferent, I’m tired and unmotivated. I’m not sure if it’s because the aches and pains keep me awake at night and results in my being tired or what, but again, I’m really struggling emotionally with understanding this journey.

I don’t mean to complain, but since the beginning, I’ve made myself incredibly vulnerable by being honest with all those who follow our infertility story. This is raw honesty.

I’m trying to prepare myself for a successful transfer by eating healthy and working out. I’m decreasing my coffee intake and trying to catch more sleep at night. I’m taking a ton of vitamins my doctor suggested and just really trying to mentally prepare myself for what’s to come.

I know that God’s plans for us are so much larger than what we could have ever imagined for ourselves. I have faith that He will see us through this and bless us, but in the mean time, I’m tired, I’m achy, I’m sore and I’m so ready to be done with fertility treatment. More importantly, I’m so ready to hold another miracle or two.

I pray for all those other men and women dealing with infertility. I know it’s so incredibly difficult, and that it doesn’t get any easier with time. I pray that you have comfort in knowing that your difficult journey is all a part of His master plan for you. I pray that you don’t give up, and I pray for comfort through it all.

xo, DJ

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Photos: Jonas Weckschmied and Inma Ibanez