When Time Stands Still

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I’ve been doing a lot of thinking these past few weeks, and I wish I had the answers to all of my questions. I wish I had a remedy for all of my fears, and most importantly I wish I could calm my anxious heart.

Since our failed IVF procedure, we’ve been in a waiting game.

It’s as if life has stood still.

In that time, I’ve realized that I’m starting to turn into someone I resent. I will be the first to admit that I get extremely jealous and then upset when I see others get pregnant. I don’t understand the journey they took to get there nor do I know whether they had issues or not, but nonetheless I get upset. Every day more and more of my friends are announcing pregnancies, and I’m the one whose heart breaks wishing it was me announcing my pregnancy. I don’t want to be that person. I don’t want to resent my friends who are getting pregnant nor hold it against them. I’m truly happy for them. I just don’t know how to express it.

This infertility journey has sincerely been the hardest thing I’ve ever been through in my 30 years of life, and that’s saying a lot since my life hasn’t been a walk in the park.

Our frozen embryo transfer is scheduled for October, and the anxiety I have over the procedure is debilitating. It’s not that I’m scared of the actual procedure. I’m scared about what might not happen.

I don’t want to think about the possibility of it not working, but realistically I have to prepare myself. It’s less than a 50% chance of it working, and after IVF failing, I have natural fear and doubts.

Over the last few years we’ve spent thousands and thousands of dollars trying to start a family. A part of me thinks about all of the things that money could have been put towards. For example, we have a leaking shower and an old kitchen. Two things that need to be replaced. The amount of money we’ve spent on infertility treatment could have paid for probably 80% of those home improvements.

That said, a part of me has convinced myself that if our frozen embryo transfer fails, I’ll be ready to move on with my life. I always thought that we’d get pregnant again and have one or two more children, but that dream is slipping further and further away. I’ve kind of already prepared myself for the possibility that Braxton might be our only child. Albeit, a part of me would always feel like I’m missing out on something, at least I can say that we tried. We certainly would not have gone out without a fight.

We tried. We tried for years. We spent thousands of dollars. We have both underwent dozens of procedures. I’ve had dozens and dozens of shots. I’ve taken dozens of medications. Our bodies, our minds and our hearts have tried.

Time has stood still, in this season, until we really know what our future looks like.

This season in our life has been hard. It’s been devastating and emotionally exhausting. I think we’re both ready for the next season, no matter what it is. We’re ready to stop thinking of infertility. We’re ready to stop experiencing heartache associated with infertility. We want to focus on the positives of being parents, not feeling like failures for our lack of easily expanding our family. We’re ready to start focusing on our marriage, on Braxton more, on home improvements projects and on our future.  We’ve been stuck in this season for too long.

We’re more than ready for life to move on. We’re ready for the next season.

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Picture Sources: Lukas Budimaier & Caleb Frith

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