The Wait Continues..

As I continue to take in all that has transpired over the last month, I cannot help but feel a bit overwhelmed. I’m not one to typically dwell on something, especially if it is something that hurt, but my heart still aches for our failed IVF procedure.

I cannot help but be a bit bitter even still, but I’m starting to heal. We both are, but I’m certain more time is needed. Maybe we will never truly heal from it, and that’s OK.

As mentioned previously, we will be attempting embryo transfer in a little over a month and a half, and I’m doing everything I can to prepare my body for the procedure. I’ve been hitting the gym really hard 4-5 times a week. Instead of focusing on losing weight, I’m looking to gain muscle and get some definition. It’s starting to pay off.

I’m also watching more of what I eat. I’ve never been a really unhealthy eater, but I’m cutting out what’s left of my unhealthy lifestyle. Pray for me. This is so much easier said than done!

So far, I feel stronger. I feel more clear-minded and my stress levels have been minimal. In fact, despite everything going on, I’m the happiest I’ve been in a long time. I know that sounds odd considering everything Jason and I have been through, but because of everything we have been through and are going through, our marriage is better than ever. I’m not saying our marriage was bad before by any means, but our marriage has transformed and matured a lot these past few months. I cannot even describe it.

I’ve also been working really hard on my book. Last week I reached out to a few book publishers in regards to my novel. It’s a work in progress. I have a few chapters complete, but one editor from one of publishing companies I spoke with seemed genuinely eager to read what I have thus far. Needless to say, this weekend has been pretty jam-packed with writing. With the some-what frantic writing comes a bit of stress, but it’s good stress. I’m set to shoot her over a few chapters early this week.

I am fortunate to have a very supportive spouse. He has ALWAYS encouraged me to follow my dreams, and the last few months I have been doing just that. He has stood by me and has truly tried helping me along the way. I don’t think I could pursue my dreams, like I’m doing, if I didn’t have him by my side.

As we wait for October to arrive, we are both keeping busy with numerous projects. I’m working on my novel and another children’s book as well as running my business, and Jason is working on a few children’s books as well as working an insane amount of hours. Guys, Jason is such an incredible writer. Not even joking. Can’t wait for you to see his latest project! It’s on point.

Keeping ourselves busy has really helped us take our entire focus off of our infertility battle. The next several weeks will pass quickly, so we’re making the most of them the best that we can.

We seem to be really good at waiting these days, but we got this. We got this because we have each other.

Keep on waiting. It will happen. -Habakkuk 2:3

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Next Steps in Our Infertility Journey

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We had our follow-up appointment today. We were hoping when we originally scheduled it that it would turn into an ultrasound meaning that our IVF procedure hadworked, but instead we sat down with Dr. Dodds to discuss embryo frozen transfer.

Sitting in his small office, I couldn’t help but get upset all over again. It’s been a few weeks since we found out that IVF had failed, but it still hurts. The bruises are nearly gone and my body is nearly back to normal, but our hearts still ache. I still blame myself for it failing, and I’m not sure if there will ever be a day that I don’t remove that blame from my shoulders.

We discussed how frozen embryo transfer worked, the costs associated with it and what the success rates looked like. We also discussed some research we unearthed after speaking to others about IVF, and we worked through them together.

After our meeting with Dr. Dodds, we then sat down with Julie, the IVF coordinator and nurse. We discussed next steps more, discussed the fertility medications that would be needed this round and the processes. It was overwhelming, but not as overwhelming as our first meeting. This procedure will be less involved and a little less trying on my body. I’m sure the emotional toll will still take place.

Jason and I decided, while at the fertility center, that we would make another “go” of IVF in October. We are taking a few months off fertility treatments to heal. We need to heal physically and emotionally before we try again. We are going to look into our diet, exercise routines and different vitamins that might increase our success rates.

I’ll end with this…

For anyone who hasn’t experienced infertility, you’re lucky. This season in our life has by far been the hardest. It’s been emotionally, psychologically and physically hard on us both. Don’t ever take for granted your fertility. Think twice about asking friends and family members when they’re going to have children. They may be currently trying or have been trying for years, but because of infertility it hasn’t happened yet. Be courteous of those going through fertility treatments. Understand that the shots, tests and appointments are sometimes painful, oftentimes uncomfortable and cause emotional distress. Understand that someone going through fertility treatments may be tired and moody. Understand that they’re dealing with some pretty heavy things, and just be there for them.

Lord, at the moment nothing seems to be able to help the loss I feel.
My heart is broken and my spirit mourns.
All I know is that Your grace is sufficient.
This day, this hour
Moment by moment
I choose to lean on You,
For when I am at my weakest Your strength is strongest.
I pour out my grief to You
And praise You that on one glorious day
When all suffering is extinguished and love has conquered
We shall walk together again.

(a modern prayer for strength from http://www.lords-prayer-words.com)

Photo: Sam Stratton Photography