A Letter to My Husband During our Infertility Battle

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It’s not solely your fault that we are suffering from infertility.

I do not care what the results show or what the doctors say.

Our infertility battle is ours. Together we are entwined in this battle.

You+Me

Never in my mind or heart has our infertility misfortune deterred me from you. I’m always going to be right here. Standing next to you and holding your hand.

I’m not going anywhere.

I love you. 

Since day one of this journey, I have not resented you. I have never regretted meeting you, falling in love with you or marrying you.

I’ve had people ask me if I’d leave you because of our infertility issues.

Hell to the No. Not a chance.

I realize that you are suffering. You’re feeling inadequate. You’re losing sleep and blaming yourself for all of it. I want you to know I’m right there beside you. Know that when I’m silent, I am grieving. Know that when I have dark circles under my eyes, I also didn’t sleep that night. Know that when I smile, that it can sometimes be so hard. I, too, am suffering.

Whatever guilt, pain, sadness or grief you are experiencing, know that I am also experiencing those feelings.

But, please know that when I say, “I Love You”, know that I mean it. 

Immensely.

This battle, this unfortunate heart-wrenching battle, has made me fall deeper in love with you. It has made me appreciate you so much more. It has given me the most supportive, inspiring, loving and understanding husband and best friend.

Understand that when you’re not yourself, neither am I.

Since we received the devastating news last week, you’ve change.

Changed because of those results. Changed because of what those results meant.

I see it in your eyes. Guilt. Guilt ridden and tired.

It’s clear to me that you stay up at night researching ways to fix it all. Searching for a cure. Praying for a miracle. I see the dark circles under your eyes. I notice the increase of coffee consumption per day as well as the constant yawns. I see you. I feel you.

I wish I could take away your pain. All of it.

I want you to know that I see you. I hear your silent cries. I’m here for you. You don’t have to hide behind it all. Confide in me.

I hope that you know I don’t hold you accountable for our issues.

Do you know this? Do you truly know this?

You acknowledge me and nod  your head when I tell you this as though you understand. But, I’m not so sure you’re actually hearing me. Believing me.

I. Do. Not. Blame. You.

We are in this together. We always have been, and we always will be. Please understand that.

We will overcome. Will will conquer. It won’t be easy, and it may be a long frustrating journey, but as long as we have each other, we will prevail.

I do not know what I would do without you by my side. I wouldn’t want to go through life nor would I want to go through this battle with anyone other than you.

Dear Lord,

I lift up my husband to you right now. I pray that you anoint him with strength. Strength to overcome his fear. I pray that you help him smile and send him encouragement each day. I pray that you use me to affirm him, inspire him and help him through his pain.  Please bless my husband, increase his faith and confidence in you. In Jesus name, Amen.

 

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Pictures Source: Oh Snap! Photography by Lia

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